Random thoughts...

Something hit me today. I can't remember how my boyfriend and I got on the subject. It was about me loving him...him loving me. I came out and told him "I know you love me because I'm a good person, etc..but I don't believe that you are IN LOVE with me". Then he asked me why I was with him if I didn't believe that he was in love with me. I got teary eyed because I thought...what a good question. I explained to him that I don't LIKE feeling that way but sometimes I do. Maybe it's because of the past. I mean...the first time we met and "sorta" dated he left me for his ex girlfriend. I was really in to him when we first met. He pursued me. Then (to me) out of the blue he told me he needed "his space". hmmm...for what? To go back to "Red". Of course. So a year or so later..we end up back together. Became friends first. Took it really slow. And I mean really slow. We've officially been together for about 9 months and yes we live together. But yet..here I am..feeling the way I do. My boyfriend is hot. lol..seriously..I think he's gorgeous. And women are always checking him out. Maybe I'm lacking self confidence? What is wrong with me?!?! I don't think I've ever lacked self confidence. I was layed off from my job last February. Kinda second guessing myself these days. Maybe that has something to do with it. I don't even feel sexy anymore. His sex drive is nothing like mine. I would do it every day if it were up to me. Well actually I take care of it myself most days. He's 46. I'm 40. Could that have something to do with it? Maybe I'm just used to dating younger guys that can't seem to keep their hands off of me. My boyfriend always hugs and kisses me. All the time. But the actual sex is about once a week. If I'm lucky. Now the sex is AWESOME when we have it. But I want..need..it more. Am I being selfish here? He really is a sweet guy. Twice he's been at Starbucks and came out with a CD for me. Which shows me that he does hear some of the things I say. Starbucks..ugh..another blog story in itself. I dunno why I feel the way I do. We never talk about "future" things like marriage,etc. He's been married twice. Now don't get me wrong...married is not something I want to get into right now..but we never even talk about the possibility. I won't get married until we both have our finances in order. Well...if I were to marry him that would be the issue. But..I guess he never thinks about marrying me. Oh well. I pray about this issue all the time. It really holds me back from opening up emotionally from him. My guard is always up. Why do I feel the way I do? Help!!

My Sunday...

My boyfriend is out of town this weekend to visit his mom for her birthday. Sally has cancer. I have to say that even with her carrying this horrible burden she is one head strong woman. Sharp as a tack it's just that her body is giving up. But she's not. My boyfriend, Nick, calls me last night to say that a phone call came in saying that his Aunt, Sally's sister, has passed. On her birthday. They are waiting to tell Sally today about this sad happening. What really got me with this is that Nick said his mom Sally, is now the only living "of her family." Meaning her parents and siblings are all gone. It's just her. That is really weighing on my mind for some reason. I mean, yes Sally still has her immediate family. Her husband and children. I don't know why that is messing with my mind. Crazy. My Godmother and Aunt passed away in the same month. My Aunt just a few days before Christmas. My family lives in Louisiana so I didn't get to go to the funeral but my Mom did. Unexpected deaths are so hard to understand. House fire. What a horrible way to have to go. Why?
Nick sent me a text message this morning saying "good morning, I love you." We are always together. It's really weird waking up to a empty bed. Wait..I'm in it so I guess it's not empty. haha..
On a different note; I have runny nose, throbbing ears and itchy throat and a headache. No medical insurance because I was layed off from my job. Think I better go get more orange juice. I'm laying in bed watching movies. The weather sucks. It's grey and cold outside.

Too much thinking...

I have so many things going on in my head at times. Trying to focus on finding a job. I was layed off in March 09. I have faithfully looked for a job almost every day. I have applied what seems like a million times. I have interviewed. I have networked. At times it is discouraging...no doubt. But...I have to keep reminding myself that no one but me is going to take care of me. So..I pray about it then tackle the world again. I recently finished a 4 day work program on "job searching". Can't believe I actually got a certificate of completion for this. Crazy. But...jumping through the hoops to get what I need. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do ya know?
My Aunt passed away right before Christmas. In a house fire. What a horrible way to go. My mom flew back home. She is so exhausted. She's back home now but doesn't seem the same. I know she has emotions flying everywhere. Totally expected. My mom is only 57 but has the body of a 90 year old. She probably only weighs 115. Eats like a bird. I'm concerned. I don't know what I would do without my mom. That is just unacceptable to me. On a different note...why am I having such trust issues when it comes to my boyfriend? I hate feeling the way I do sometimes. I honestly work on it every day. There just seems to be a wall...a gut feeling...I dunno...maybe it's just me. At the moment I'm just taking it day by day. I love him..of course. He makes me laugh allll the time. I just wonder why he is with me though. He's a bit vain at times. About his looks. I'm just an average chick. Yes. I take care of myself for the most part..although I could loose some weight but don't we all? Something just tells me that he's probably going to bounce at some point..however it might be me kicking his balls out the door. Man...sometimes I feel that way..but..he's the first man I have loved. Seriously. ahhh...life goes on. Don't stress it Tammy Tam Tam!!

I just want to scream right now..that's all. Just want to scream.

Just saw Julie & Julia

Watched the movie and decided to give this blogging a try. My boyfriend asked me why I would want the world to know about my life. I say...why not?