Random thoughts...

Something hit me today. I can't remember how my boyfriend and I got on the subject. It was about me loving him...him loving me. I came out and told him "I know you love me because I'm a good person, etc..but I don't believe that you are IN LOVE with me". Then he asked me why I was with him if I didn't believe that he was in love with me. I got teary eyed because I thought...what a good question. I explained to him that I don't LIKE feeling that way but sometimes I do. Maybe it's because of the past. I mean...the first time we met and "sorta" dated he left me for his ex girlfriend. I was really in to him when we first met. He pursued me. Then (to me) out of the blue he told me he needed "his space". hmmm...for what? To go back to "Red". Of course. So a year or so later..we end up back together. Became friends first. Took it really slow. And I mean really slow. We've officially been together for about 9 months and yes we live together. But yet..here I am..feeling the way I do. My boyfriend is hot. lol..seriously..I think he's gorgeous. And women are always checking him out. Maybe I'm lacking self confidence? What is wrong with me?!?! I don't think I've ever lacked self confidence. I was layed off from my job last February. Kinda second guessing myself these days. Maybe that has something to do with it. I don't even feel sexy anymore. His sex drive is nothing like mine. I would do it every day if it were up to me. Well actually I take care of it myself most days. He's 46. I'm 40. Could that have something to do with it? Maybe I'm just used to dating younger guys that can't seem to keep their hands off of me. My boyfriend always hugs and kisses me. All the time. But the actual sex is about once a week. If I'm lucky. Now the sex is AWESOME when we have it. But I want..need..it more. Am I being selfish here? He really is a sweet guy. Twice he's been at Starbucks and came out with a CD for me. Which shows me that he does hear some of the things I say. Starbucks..ugh..another blog story in itself. I dunno why I feel the way I do. We never talk about "future" things like marriage,etc. He's been married twice. Now don't get me wrong...married is not something I want to get into right now..but we never even talk about the possibility. I won't get married until we both have our finances in order. Well...if I were to marry him that would be the issue. But..I guess he never thinks about marrying me. Oh well. I pray about this issue all the time. It really holds me back from opening up emotionally from him. My guard is always up. Why do I feel the way I do? Help!!